As we look back at 2013, all in all it was a pretty darn good year at the cinemas. While there were a handful of disappointing movies that we can forgive over time, none of them could stoop as low as the wretched filth on the following list. These are the bottom of the barrel; the worst of the worst. If you see any of these movies you will need to hire Lacuna to erase the memory of them from your mind. But we must celebrate these terrible films because without them it makes it harder to appreciate the ones we love. Check out the top 10 worst movies of 2013 after the break.
I decided I would be nice to some genres this year because certain subjects were too easy to target such as Madea movies, Adam Sandler, spoof movies, B-Horrors, and concert movies. It’s not fair to them and not fair for you to see the same garbage each year on these kinds of lists. We all know that the aforementioned types of movies are most likely going to be terrible, so why should they hog the spotlight? Let’s give the other guys a chance to be recognized for their horribleness so you can avoid them like the plague too.
Quick Dishonorable Mentions:
- The Fifth Estate: Cold, vapid, and utterly miserable to endure
- Paranoia: Paranomore, I can’t take it
- After Earth: More wooden than the trees in The Happening
- 21 & Over: Too stupid and meandering
- Walking with Dinosaurs: Walking to insanity with stupid voiceovers
- Free Birds: Asinine
- Girl Most Likely: Girl most boring
- Aftershock: The most miserable misery porn you could ever see
- Machete Kills: Kills my liking for campy movies, that’s for sure
- Broken City: Broken story
- To the Wonder: More like to the crapper
- Bullet to the Head: I wish I had one when I saw this
- Baggage Claim: I claim this movie’s characters to be DUMB
- R.I.P.D.: Really Important Picture to Dismiss
- The Big Wedding: The big shlockfest
- Parker: Jenny from the block can return to the block
- Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters: No
- Black Nativity: If you can root for the spoiled brat main character, good for you
Now on to the real list of winners:
10) Runner Runner (Brad Furman)
It’s sad to see the next Batman in something as deplorable as this piece of trash. Granted Ben Affleck most likely worked on Runner Runner before the announcement of his casting as Batman, but come on. That doesn’t excuse you for a poor performance regardless. Fans of Christopher Nolan’s Dark Knight trilogy better steer clear of this monstrosity unless they want to add fuel to the reasons why Affleck shouldn’t be the next Batman. The character logic is looney, the plot is overly convoluted, and the film takes things way too seriously and doesn’t create opportunities to keep you invested. Justin Timberlake is rather hit or miss, and he definitely struck out on this dull excuse for a wet fart.
9) Closed Circuit (John Crowley)
I’ve seen Judge Judy episodes more interesting than this courtroom drama because at least Mrs. Sheindlin can create situations that are easy to follow and sparks some charisma. Full disclosure, I fell asleep for about 5-10 minutes due to the lack of energy Eric Bana and Rebecca Hall brought to the screen. Both great actors, I just didn’t find any chemistry between the two and the tone and direction of the film makes the subject matter a tedious experience.
8) The Host (Andrew Niccol)
You want to see a perfect example of why voice-over would never work in The Hunger Games to help explain what Katniss is feeling, I present to you The Host. This lousy excuse for teen romance is pure dribble, and of course another Stephanie Meyer adaptation – she wrote The Twilight Saga. The sad part of it all Andrew Niccol (Gattaca; In Time; Lord of War) is in the director’s seat, a man who has done some interesting work in the sci-fi genre. You sense nothing of his style or influence. I don’t like Gattaca, but The Host makes it look like Lawrence of Arabia.
7) The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones (Harald Zwart)
You want an even less tolerable young adult adaptation series, you got it. The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones is practically a Buffy the Vampire Slayer rip-off with black leather and mystic sharpie tattoos. The movie cares nothing of its secondary characters, so much so that it doesn’t even bring them closure in events that are life threatening. This joke of a series merits nothing of value and the cast has zero appeal. Lily Collins is not Jennifer Lawrence. They also visit the City of Bones for five minutes at most and has little to nothing to do with the story itself. Sadly the sequel has been given the go ahead for reasons more unfathomable than the Lochness monster.
6) I Give It A Year (Dan Mazer)
I dig unromantic comedies ((500) Days of Summer; Don Jon) as much as the next guy, but I Give It A Year is an embarrassment to storytelling and character development. Not only are the situations Rose Byrne and Rafe Spall find themselves in cartoonish and unfunny, the dialogue is completely unbelievable and awkward. Everything feels so inorganic to the point that anything these characters do leads you into a spiraling hell of depression. I understand what they were trying to say in the themes of it all, how some people are just not meant for each other, but at no time does Mazer provide the viewer with any glimmer of personality to make the experience bearable to watch. It also made me want to slam Stephen Merchant’s face into a brick wall.
5) Getaway (Courtney Solomon)
Establishing no point to the madness, Getaway is the perfect movie for a cult to watch right before they enjoy a nice glass of Kool-Aid that will help them meet their maker. Every second embraced will make you question your life choices. For the one redeeming quality it has, an incredible single-take chase sequence, it does not make up for the ludicrous nature of the plot, stupid characters, and sheer instability of logic. This is a nightmare Ethan Hawke and Selena Gomez will never live down. Mark Cherry put it best when he sang the words, “Why don’t you go away Getaway. Stay away Getaway. Get away Getaway. You’re hopelessly hopeless.”
4) Dead Man Down (Niels Arden Opiev)
I found more entertainment leaving the theater to tell management that a couple couldn’t control their crying baby than actually watching this movie. And I did so during one of the peak “adrenaline” scenes where there was actually something going on. They eventually got kicked out after some intense arguing. As you can tell, this movie does a poor job at keeping your attention or make you care about the well-being of the characters. Noomi Rapace and Colin Farrell are so wooden and cold that “Dead Man Down” is what they will yell after they find your body upon you viewing this film. And as far as villains go, Terrence Howard is a joke. He makes Arnold’s Mr. Freeze look like Heath Ledger’s Joker.
3) Movie 43 (Elizabeth Banks, Steven Brill, Steve Carr, Rusty Cundieff, James Duffy, Griffin Dunne, Patrik Forsberg, James Gunn, Bob Odenkirk, Brett Ratner, Will Graham, and Jonathan van Tulleken)
Never have I ever seen a bigger misuse of talent than with Movie 43. This pathetic excuse of an attempt at comedy is shameful for everyone involved. It’s as if someone after a wicked bender took all of their ideas written on dive bar napkins and threatened to murder all of the actors’ loved ones if they didn’t perform in their movie. Funny thing is that you could look at the main through-line story as a meta commentary of how this movie was made. You’d be better off rolling around naked in a pile of dirty needles than experiencing how hollow you will feel after seeing it.
2) Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor (Tyler Perry)
My first Tyler Perry movie ever. And boy was it a trip. From beginning to end, Temptation takes you on a whirlwind journey of terrible acting, over complication of plot, unbearably awkward situations, and the dumbest character logic in the world. That ratchetry though. There is some big reveal that is so predictable even Helen Keller could see it coming. And don’t consider this as me bringing hate down on Tyler Perry for the sake of hating Tyler Perry, I watched A Madea Christmas and Peeples and they both have far more redeeming qualities than Temptation could ever hope to achieving.
1) Passion (Brian De Palma)
Pure soap opera trash at its finest. Unfortunately Passion is so off the wall bonkers that it can’t even cross the threshold of it’s so bad it’s good. Passion is just plain awful. I’m not exactly sure what Brian De Palma (The Untouchables; Scarface; Mission: Impossible) was on or thinking when he made this, but everything between the irrational characters played by Rachel McAdams and Noomi Rapace is so unintentionally hilarious that it makes you feel uncomfortable to laugh because you’re not enjoying any bit of what’s going on. Passion feels longer than hoping the Chicago Cubs win the World Series, and the film is only 102 minutes long. Words like “atrocious” and “heinous” come to mind, but there are not enough synonyms in the English language to even begin to describe how revolting this is to endure.
Which films did you see in 2013 that you absolutely despised? Tell us in the comments section below.
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